"Quick, run for the hills!"
"The mark of the beast!"
You know what I mean. No mark = no cocoa-puffs. No more cashing the pay check at the bank, because they deposit it directly into your forehead via the blue-tooth technology implanted in your, well in your teeth. You know, it’s the time when you hear a ring at the door and instead of it being the Jehovah’s witnesses; it is the nice men with the VR helmet so you can take part in the day of awakening...
Nope... not that 666... I am talking about my first book. A very kind group of nice folks have been giving it a once over. One of the suggestions was to tone back the “however” usage.
“It’s how they talk!” I grumbled at my keyboard.
It is the keyboard’s fault after all! That is what I get for buying this generic trash.
“You never type what I command you!” I said, feeling better.
"Lord, do I have too many “however’s” in the book?” I asked.
“Send me a sign!”
The light bulb lit up with incandescent fury. I knew what I needed to do. Just instruct "Hal" my computer to count the forever’s for me. With the speed of one of those monkeys with the red racing striped down it’s back, I keyed it in and punched “find” and closed my eyes for a long count to two. I opened them, and felt my jaw colliding against my chest.
"Good morning Dave, I have completed the search, and counted the word however 666 times.”
“Nooooo” I howled, and banged on my keyboard. “How can you do this to me? There are only 550 pages. Why that is.... I whipped out my trusty calculator... Why you bumbling seditious piece of junk. That is....? wait a minute... that’s over one “however” per page!”
I felt as if the whole world was laughing at me. After all, how could they know about my defective keyboard? Am I doomed? It was 666! There is but one answer for my troubles. I must fix things quick before the men come to the door with the VR helmet.
Argh. What can I say? I ran the same search on my “ly” word usage. It was not as bad as I thought, but I still cannot count that high. I wish that were all of the “keyboard errors I had to fix. There were a couple thousand improvements that have found their way into the new and improved document. Feeling much better now. Hmmm? Where do I find a few more victims to read my newest version. Is it all it can be, or is it still a work in progress?
Friday I have a big announcement to make. Until then, watch out for the men with the VR helmets. Keep away from those red-striped apes, and change your undies before leaving the house. Can’t be too careful!
Aka: David Meigs